Disentangled Deliverance

I heard it
hushed
rushed
like when the phone is dying
and I knew who
but I ignored it
just like you
earlier
afraid I would hear
I knew then, too
and I can’t look at you
not right after
for fear
I knew you’d see
my face gives me away
so if you don’t look at me
you’ll never see my pain
and we can carry on this way
because you chose it
how’d I have no say?
well, that’s the way of it
and every single day
I wait
and every single day
I cringe
I crawl
a little ball I am
and I try to ignore the fact
that I’m in love
and that I want to cry
and that I want to hit you
for hurting me
for not telling
for not thinking about it
just because you’re happy
doesn’t make it okay
for the rest of us
I want to collapse in your arms
and cry until my heart feels again
it isn’t easy keeping it cold
it isn’t easy being numb
but I know how you feel
and it would take just a minute
to realize
that there must be a problem
if you aren’t sure of love
you aren’t in love
it’s as simple as that
time won’t help you decide
trust me, I know, I tried
love isn’t comfort and trust
love isn’t passion and lust
love isn’t measured in time
and I know, love isn’t just
love is not wanting to leave
love is a mental reprieve
loving should not be a crime
for lovers are far too naïve
but the story here, far too sad
is in parallel
and I’ve played the role before
from a different seat
but it was just as bad
I can’t help you see
how you would have so much more
with one less
without you asking me
and even still
it seems so contrary
you probably wouldn’t
even believe me

but I’ve watched you
when you weren’t looking
and I don’t see a man in love
I don’t even see a man confused about love
I see a man confused and saddened
by the loss of a first
that was really good sometimes
and really hard
though that’s easier now to forget
since she’s allowing it
though she’s not aware
just how much you’re testing it
I’m the only other one
who knows what’s going on
and my heart is breaking for you
for me
watching your guilt
take a life of its own
and the longer you wait
the more it’ll have grown
when you finally decide
to tell her the truth

it’s selfish what you’re doing
I don’t want to sound mean
but you’re aware that you’re hurting
and destroying self-esteem
and you know what your instincts
are telling you to do
so if you won’t do this for me, or for her, babe
do this for you

       

       

Copyright L.M. 2008.

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Day 3

Gorgeous day today.  It started off cloudy (my dad and I were going to go fishing but since it was cloudy, they decided to let me sleep in instead haha), but it was still fairly warm, and then the sun worked its way out and it became quite warm.  We went and did a few errands while it was still a bit overcast, and my mom and I played some tennis.  The sun came out during our 15 minutes (we’re both still coughing up a storm), so my mom decided it was too hot out for her and walked to the library to reserve the new Sue Grafton book.  (She later told me she was 123rd on the reserve list….. I’m not even kidding.)  So I went and hit against the wall…… man, it was relentless.  (joke courtesy of Mitch Hedberg 😉 )  I love hitting against the wall though.  I can serve and not have to go pick up balls for every minute of serving, if I make a mistake it still comes back to me….. it’s just a good practice tool.  I did that for a bit, then we went back to the condo for lunch.  I went for a long walk along the Pass, well, many trips back and forth anyway.  Then I visited Julio at his crêperie and chatted a bit with him.  He’s still the one making the crêpes….. I don’t know how he’s managed all year, unless there is someone else trained and they just weren’t working.  I have a feeling the guy with him helping him prepare the stuff may have been there last year too.  I’d normally wonder if they were related but by the pale (in comparison) looks of him, maybe not!  The crêpe — strawberries and Nutella — was wonderful.  I wandered the Pass eating it, and saw many eyes drawn to it — one hispanic lady asked me what it was and where to find one….. after I’d passed I heard her say, “I want one of those!”  So Julio, there you go, some more business for ya!  Last year it was the same story — we’d walk around eating them, and would usually get stopped at some point with inquiries….. especially if my parents were also having one, because they’d usually have one with whipped cream which of course makes it look even more sumptuous.  I even got to hear Julio singing a little as he prepared it….. quite the lungs, and not a bad singer either!  Elvis, of course 😉   After he’d finished making the crêpe, he thanked me for coming back and wished me a good trip if he didn’t see me before then, at one point calling me “princess” — which, from anyone else, might’ve been seen as strange or even sarcastic, but you just know he’s sincere.  He’s just the type of person who always makes you smile.    🙂

  After finishing my treat, I walked the beach for a bit, through the water one way, then on the water’s edge the way back.  Here’s my daily list:

• Maddy! and friend(?)
• fishermen
• fisherboys(?) with a net of little fishies they’d just caught, intending to use them as bait
• 2 whistling construction workers 😎
• again, not too many shells of interest (there haven’t been high winds lately, so that makes a difference)
• a few butterfly shells appearing to be occupied (thrown back)
• several sand fleas (dead)
• 1 large crab — live!  He was in my path, scuttling around….. man was he cute.  I walked cautiously closer, and I guess frightened him because he lifted one of his front claws a bit above his head, threateningly….. it was hilarious and adorable at the same time.  I love crabs.  Anyway, I didn’t want to scare him too much but at the same time I didn’t want him to wash ashore and die (he appeared to be old….. I am aware they can come out the water normally haha), or stay in the shallow water to attack/get attacked by little kids, so I tried to usher him back towards the deeper water, even though the waves made me lose sight of him and I had to avoid getting pinched, myself!  He was definitely the highlight of my beachwalk.
• 2 kids trying to bodyboard (again, waves <1 foot high…..)….. quite funny actually.
• seagulls, herons, egrets, pelicans, skimmers, the little tiny birds that run around the shore…..
• dolphins (well, that was when I was on the Pass — they were quite active today, almost jumping right out the water, splashing around playfully)….. actually I saw a few schools of them….. and moronic seadoers trying to get close and in the process frightening them away……  Seriously, let this be my one and only message to boaters: if you want to get close to dolphins or any sea creature for that matter, PLEASE turn off your engines!  If they want you around, they’ll swim TO you, you don’t have to be 5 feet away at all times.  Enjoy the scene, but don’t ruin it by scaring them or, Heaven forbid, hurting them.  Sure, you may have seen them following boats, but that’s up to them!  You certainly are not going to tempt them by having 5 boats speeding toward them every time they surface.  The people on the Pass enjoy seeing them too, so have a little respect for the other viewers, as well as the creatures themselves.  There.  I’m done.    😛
• not many jellyfish today, maybe 2 little guys washed up
• generally not much debris washed up either, actually….. good thing once in a while!
• 1 gorgeous sun  🙂

What the Night Brings

It occurs to me that not a lot of people pull all-nighters.  I find it, well, good I guess.  They’re sometimes enjoyable…… but they have their moments.  Like, tonight, I stayed up (well I’m still up), and was working (the not-so-fun kind of all-nighters), but I luckily caught up on my junk so that makes me feel good.  However, I had a few fun experiences with my body hating me.  Here are a couple things that may happen to you if you pull an all-nighter, and you shouldn’t be surprised if they do:

• shaking.  Just general shaking in different parts of your body.  Tonight it was my left hand.
• weird popping feeling in your eye.  I don’t know what this is.
• random numbness, usually from sitting at a computer for long periods of time banging my head against the desk.
• dehydration.  It’s easy to forget to drink when you can barely remember to open your eyes.  (Also comes in the opposite form, when you’re obsessively drinking something to try and keep yourself awake.)
• hunger from 2 a.m. to 4 a.m.
• random activity cravings.  Like suddenly wanting to go swimming, even though you haven’t in months.
• random food cravings.  Like clam chowder.
• sudden understanding of your pet.  It’s like we’re at the same intelligence level…..
• sudden ability to clean.  You might not have been the best before, but you’re Industrial Strength now……
• sudden memory recovery…… of all the e-mails you haven’t yet replied to.  Don’t be alarmed if you feel this crucial to complete immediately.  It’s normal.
• chest pains.  Yep!  Just as fun as they sound!
• waking up when you didn’t know you were asleep.  The best is when you’re holding something like a hair dryer or book, because you freak out when you wake up and you freak out again as you drop something.  (Bonus: when you’re on the bus, and you wake up with a jolt, having flung your arms wildly, only to get strange looks from the people around you/people you hit)
• brain pains.  You know how diagrams show the different sections of your brain and what they’re used for?  Well you just exploded the Common Sense one.  Congratulations!  You’re now among the other 90% of the population.  😛

I hope you’ve learned your lesson, because I sure haven’t…… Umm, what am I talking about again?  I should go.  I think I have an e-mail to write.  It’s for my cat.

Inspection

“you don’t know me,
and you don’t even care”

breath is disappearing
somewhere deep inside of me
somewhere numb and bleeding
there’s a whole lung gone
I knew I couldn’t be wrong
and now I die inside
wondering wondering why
the birds are circling
they knew all along
a poor idiot like me
was sure to be a target
so spare me my excellence
spare me my time
just spare me

I liked it when I was young
innocence was fine
nothing expected of me
and I upstaged life
but when did the stage fall
when did I lose hope
when will I breathe again
please, let me breathe again
please let me be
me
        

       

Copyright L.M. 2007.  (written a couple months ago, quote from Augustana’s song “Boston”. don’t worry, I know the poem isn’t good haha).

Skies of a Different Blue

The sky was really cool today.

I never quite know how the weather’s going to be when I get up, even if I check my Weather Network toolbar thingy on my computer, so it’s always a bit of a gamble in terms of coat choice this time of year.  I went with my brown Fall jacket, and was glad of it.  As soon as I opened the door I was greeted with a warm cool breeze (cool because it’s Fall and it’s expected to be a bit cool, and warm because it had an unexpected warmth still left in it).  Over the park trees and over the Queen’s buildings, I could see in the distance blue clouds.  That nice, rich Russian Blue Cat kinda blue.  The kind, had it been cold outside, you would have expected to be delivering snow.  Instead, the sun was shining, the wind fiesty, and it was a perfect beginning to the day.

I actually was slightly resenting the fact that I had class to attend, because I just felt like walking around listening to my music all day 🙂  I might still do that, for a bit at least.  I’ve had an overall pretty crummy past few days, though I shouldn’t complain as it’s probably mostly my own fault!  Haha, that’s life.  But nothing makes me feel better when I’m down than a good walk.  It makes me wonder about next year; if I move, I’ll have to think about that when deciding where to live…..

Yes, now I’m thinking about that, I definitely need to walk.  Definitely time to go down to the water: windy, sunny, cloudy, somewhat warm (season-considering), and some lifey stuff to think about……

Off I go….. 🙂