Stalemate

I have a sight
I thought somewhere near
takes me a while to
to…..
well I should have lost it
perhaps
maybe
somehow
did
inside it burns
and I shiver
you know it’s cold
so very cold

I’m not hopeless
just delusional
apparently
and to make up
for all the lost time
somehow started
to believe in fairytales
masochistic? probably
I’ve heard it heals
or bides time
with other distraction
sort of like me
I guess that’s ironic
but really, not hopeless
that’s part problem
you see why
it’s the hope that kills
if I were numb
oh to be numb
I would lose fear
I would lose pain
I would lose anger
I would lose love
well, you’ve taught me
you can’t win them all
in my year of luck
my precious months
a troubled match
a frightened soul
helped onto my plate
peppered with perfection
here and there
and when that bell begins
I will be a mistake
and another chapter
in a drama
whose clout extends
far beyond
the amusing present time

I’m sleepless
and you know why
and you won’t tell me

I’m walking the lines
with chains around my neck
ball bearings in my throat
and hands behind my back
and I say “I’m starved”
and you say you’re tired
but give me food
that I can’t eat, smell, see
and say it ought to be enough
but death takes its toll
bending all rules
portraying life as such
well you feel remorse
but upon the next
bestow a fresh nothing
ready to be devoured
and kill another
just like before me
me
and after me

I’m still sleepless
could you tell me why?

I did have a dream though
yes I had to wake you up
you transformed
into the jerk
and I couldn’t get you to leave
I awoke frightened
with the door open

do you realize
character and honesty
can both be judged
by ignoring words altogether
and looking
solely
on what you do

so in this pretend world
this fantasy of yours
some things bleed
into mine
and I try to see
subtract the you
subtract the me
to look right through
to reality
but look at me
I play the fool
I’m just the tool
to set you free
of memory
of any need
of honesty
responsibility
respectability
honour, value
worth, and truth
you see, all these
I could be for you
but that fantasy
well it bleeds too
into one which you
have saved for me
I still can’t sleep
and I blame you

Copyright L.M. 2007.

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I want you to know
every one of you
that I don’t cry for you
I don’t weep
I’m not heartbroken
for nothing can break
through stone

ups and downs
everyday drama
it’s not my thing
I’d rather hide in the forest
and wait for you to find me

as it is, I look for you
outside my door
exiting my life
and wonder if you’ll be back
because I never know for sure

where did I get these thoughts?

did Einstein suffer depression?
I suppose he must have
thoughts like that from me
have pricked the plume anew
though I like the solitary company

I bend
far too much
so much so
that I don’t know
within myself
where I search
and daily toss
the dye that bleeds me

I know where we stand
each and every single one of us
and I will continue to try
to rationalize
and objectify
myself in my mind
just for you

I soared into storm clouds
higher than life
I cannot blame the messenger
but yet I can’t help
feeling tossed
like stale bread
soaking up any hint of warmth
to postpone the brittle battle
I will play by your rules
I will chisel a path
as long as you still try
and as long as I don’t fall
but I should let you know
I don’t feel your respect
not today, nor yesterday
not in the slightest
don’t you see?
I’m the doll
the smiling face which you do greet
with open arms and fleeing feet
sighing, wishing for a day
with ladders finally tossed away
so I may sit alongside you
with worries none, and fears few
the palm I’m in is over-filled
and not exactly what I willed
but choices few, this chiselled stone
is all I have to call my own

Copyright L.M. 2007.  (written a couple months ago, and again I recognize the poem isn’t very good haha).

Hable con ella/Talk To Her

This is the name of one of my favourite films.  For some reason, I originally typed “movie” but had to erase it.  It’s one of those rare pieces of art too delicate to warrant being in the same category as Scary Movie 3 and Gigli.  Well, maybe pretty much anything is too good to be compared with Scary Movie 3 and Gigli but let’s not get sidetracked.  I’m here to tell you about Talk To Her.

This film is a drama, set in Spain.  The two main characters are Benigno and Marco, and they meet in the hospital where Benigno works as a nurse.  Marco is there visiting a famous female bullfighter named Lydia, who he was in the process of interviewing for a magazine.  In just a few months they had become very close, and when she gets severely gored in a bullfight, Marco goes to visit her often.  He is intrigued as he walks by the room where Benigno is working, because although his patient is clearly in a coma, the nurse is speaking to her as he works.  Benigno sees him and invites him in, then tells him the story of how he came to know this woman he loves, who is now also his patient.  This part is too complex, and for me to tell it here would be, quite simply, useless.  Suffice it to say, the woman did not share his affections before she got in the accident that hospitalized her.  Needless to say, he says he has been looking after her most days of the week and many nights as well, for four years.  He is clearly in love with this woman with whom he has had virtually no real or significant interaction.

The film shows a lot of the routine tasks nurses must perform, and the language is candid and the bluntness can be a bit shocking.  Through it all, though, Benigno’s softness — his almost feminine warmth — brings back the humanity within the hospital setting.  There are also occasional clips of theatre that add humour and depth to the sometimes very moving storyline.  The friendship of the two men grows as they spend more and more time together by the women’s bedsides, and the characters become richer and richer as more pieces of the plot are filled in.

The more dramatic moments, again, I feel obliged to keep secret, for fear of dissuading people from watching the actual film.  Granted I’m not the best at foreshadowing in movies, but after watching it again today it was as I expected: even if you know the plot and all its intricacies, the acting pulls you in anyway.  The first time I watched it, I cried.  Actually, I think I bawled.  Crying is rare for me (I laughed throughout A Walk To Remember), but I think honestly it might have been the first film to ever make me unable to stop crying.  I have been meaning to see it a second time to see if it still had an effect after the novelty of surprise had worn out, and to see if I still love this film; it did, and I still do.

           

Have you seen this film?  Tell me what you think!