Disentangled Deliverance

I heard it
hushed
rushed
like when the phone is dying
and I knew who
but I ignored it
just like you
earlier
afraid I would hear
I knew then, too
and I can’t look at you
not right after
for fear
I knew you’d see
my face gives me away
so if you don’t look at me
you’ll never see my pain
and we can carry on this way
because you chose it
how’d I have no say?
well, that’s the way of it
and every single day
I wait
and every single day
I cringe
I crawl
a little ball I am
and I try to ignore the fact
that I’m in love
and that I want to cry
and that I want to hit you
for hurting me
for not telling
for not thinking about it
just because you’re happy
doesn’t make it okay
for the rest of us
I want to collapse in your arms
and cry until my heart feels again
it isn’t easy keeping it cold
it isn’t easy being numb
but I know how you feel
and it would take just a minute
to realize
that there must be a problem
if you aren’t sure of love
you aren’t in love
it’s as simple as that
time won’t help you decide
trust me, I know, I tried
love isn’t comfort and trust
love isn’t passion and lust
love isn’t measured in time
and I know, love isn’t just
love is not wanting to leave
love is a mental reprieve
loving should not be a crime
for lovers are far too naïve
but the story here, far too sad
is in parallel
and I’ve played the role before
from a different seat
but it was just as bad
I can’t help you see
how you would have so much more
with one less
without you asking me
and even still
it seems so contrary
you probably wouldn’t
even believe me

but I’ve watched you
when you weren’t looking
and I don’t see a man in love
I don’t even see a man confused about love
I see a man confused and saddened
by the loss of a first
that was really good sometimes
and really hard
though that’s easier now to forget
since she’s allowing it
though she’s not aware
just how much you’re testing it
I’m the only other one
who knows what’s going on
and my heart is breaking for you
for me
watching your guilt
take a life of its own
and the longer you wait
the more it’ll have grown
when you finally decide
to tell her the truth

it’s selfish what you’re doing
I don’t want to sound mean
but you’re aware that you’re hurting
and destroying self-esteem
and you know what your instincts
are telling you to do
so if you won’t do this for me, or for her, babe
do this for you

       

       

Copyright L.M. 2008.

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Why I Love Walking

Today I was walking around downtown Kingston, trying to make up for lost time.  Lately I’ve been so busy, and have had such little sleep, that I’ve pretty much been a (non-)walking zombie. Yesterday when I went to class, I was literally stumbling. If you know me, you know that I can handle being tired. Heck, in the past people have commented on how upbeat I was, not knowing that I’d pulled an all-nighter the night before. So, for me to say I was feeling it, I mean I was feeling it. Today I had to get up for a group meeting, which consisted of very little work, but at least a little organization. After that, I decided it was time to walk off everything that’s been building up in me.

I had a great experience. A lady came up to me and asked me what the wreath was that I was wearing. Confused, I looked to where she was pointing: my poppy. She didn’t have an accent and didn’t look stupid so I was curious why she didn’t know what it was….. I asked “You mean my poppy?” She nodded. “Well, we wear it to recognize and give respect to our veterans. For Remembrance Day.” She smiled and said, “Ahh. We were wondering why everyone was wearing wreaths. We’re from California.” She thanked me, we walked away, and I heard her telling her friend the result of her inquest.

That made me smile.  I think because the poppies had been so prevalent in walking downtown that it made her curious enough to ask. That impressed me, and I suddenly felt very patriotic 🙂