What Do I Want To Be?

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you know, I could do it too:
hair parted, to the side
long, just long enough
maybe highlighted
face airbrushed with
foundation
concealer
powder
eyebrows darkened
plucked into perfect arches
eyes lined with dark brown
not black, that’s whorish
lashes lengthened, strengthened, darkened
teeth bleached, no gaps
posture perfect
like a ballerina
simple, elegant, regal in composure
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and sometimes I want to be
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but I think of everything I’d miss
if I couldn’t touch animals because they’re dirty
if I couldn’t watch bugs because they’re creepy
if I couldn’t skip in fields because I’m an adult
if I couldn’t sing aloud because I’m mature
if I couldn’t play in the sand because I’m not a child
if I couldn’t run in the sun because I’d get tanlines
if I couldn’t be who I am because it’s not who I should be
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so I draw on my own picture a pirate’s eyepatch
a curly mustache
and a tasteful goatee
because it’s more fun
than striving for perfection
and I want people to know
that they can’t threaten me with shoulds
that people who love me
can also have fun around me
because I love when people smile
and I love even more when it’s because of me
that’s the me I want to be
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Copyright L.M. 2008.

Devil’s Enemy

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panelled paint, and
joined all on the inside
revel in, and
operate and tether
burn a long path
holding empty light
it’s a long road
just as always
.
if you scream, yes
travellers will halt and
venerate, and
check the weather
what is math if
not a holy script
it’s a long road
it’s a long road
it’s a long road
.
high, hold, the devil’s enemy
high, hold, the pair of pairs
high, hold, the devil’s fortune
divided into splitting hairs
.
if you chant, and
levitate walls on the inside
savour in, and
generate leather
burn the longest path
grasp the something bright
it’s a long road
just as always
.
high, hold, the devil’s enemy
high, hold, the pair of pairs
high, hold, the devil’s fortune
divided into splitting hairs
.
it’s a long road
to follow
it’s a long road
to lead
it’s a long road
to initiate
it’s a long road
it’s always been
a long road
everyone follow
long road
longest you’ve seen
long road
to regenerate
long road
it’s always been
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Copyright L.M. 2008.

Byebye sun.

It’s starting to get dark earlier now.  I suppose it has been for a while, but now it’s becoming noticeable just how quickly the sun disappears.  I’m going to miss it.  I love the sun.  I was born in the summer and although I don’t believe in horoscopes (at all), I do think the season you’re born in has an effect on your personality, at least a little bit.  I feel I need it more than others, and get depressed when I don’t get enough of it in winter.  I probably have SAD.  Or I should just hibernate.  I need to travel.  Or live somewhere warm for a while.  Let’s hope this internship thing goes well.  My brain is having trouble functioning right now, hence the shortened sentences.  Okay, that’s it for now.

Chameleon

I am a chameleon
through and through
but to be a chameleon
it’s hard to be you

a day as a chameleon
could tire some
a life of a chameleon
is not a wanted one

I am a chameleon
it’s too late to quit
my life as a chameleon
is life as I know it

how can a chameleon
hope to ever find
the mind of the chameleon
that’s been hidden behind

I am a chameleon
dare I venture to say
the world could use chameleons
it’d run smoother that way

I wish all chameleons
find who they are
because as a chameleon
you get lost in the dark

I am a chameleon
watch as I change
my life as a chameleon
completely rearranged

I hope you chameleons
hear what I say
the inner you, chameleons
manifests in this way

I am a chameleon
but I don’t doubt
I know as a chameleon
what I’m about

don’t hurt us chameleons
we just don’t want to hurt
the reason for us chameleons
is a lesson hard-learnt

I am a chameleon
I have no shame
my life as a chameleon
still carries my name

all of us chameleons
hidden from view
don’t feel alone chameleons
I’m always with you

of all your types, chameleons
hidden from view
don’t be afraid, chameleons
every one of them is you
don’t feel fake, chameleons
a bit of all of them is you
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Copyright L.M. 2008.

I am feeling a lot

I am feeling anxious

for moving to a new city for less than one year, to add to my degree

I am feeling apprehensive

about being unsure what my program entails, or what kinds of people I’ll meet

I am feeling empowered

for taking a step out of my comfort zone to improve my skills

I am feeling stupid

for leaving behind a place I’ve come to love, and friends I never wanted to leave

I am feeling sad

for having to close what has been an awesome chapter of my life

I am feeling scared

that my new chapter won’t even compare

I am feeling nervous

that I won’t be able to keep a fully open mind to my new circumstances because of my longing for the past

I am feeling tired

for not having slept much lately

I am feeling satisfied

for having been able to get together with many friends before leaving (though not all)

I am feeling happy

that my friends have promised me they will visit

I am feeling hopeful

that I will not be quickly (or slowly) replaced in their hearts and minds

I am feeling grateful

for these changes that scare me so; for this opportunity

Be Kind, Don’t Rewind

When I say I like foreign films, people often ask me if I watch them with subtitles.  When I answer “yes”, the questioning usually stops there.  It shouldn’t!  That’s not nearly the most interesting part of the issue.  People don’t ask me if I watch English films with subtitles!  ….. to which I would also reply “yes.”  If the conversation even gets this far, the question then becomes “….. in another language?” ….. to which I answer bluntly: “no, in English.”  I think it’s the perfectionist in me rearing its ugly head again, but I really dislike not hearing something in a movie.  I always used to rewind to hear everything as they intended, and of course that stops the flow of the movie.  So, eventually, after watching a few foreign films with subtitles, I left the feature on for an English movie.  Now I never have to rewind!

So no, it’s not some effective learning tool I use to practice my languages, sad to admit.  It’s simply me wanting to know everything!

Valentine’s Day

The response I received for posting my friend Theresa’s note yesterday took me by surprise. I had people asking if I was alright, others giving me words to inspire her with, and still others telling me how they felt about what had been written. While I think part of the response was due to Theresa’s poignant and sometimes blunt writing style in the note, I also think a large number of people can relate to what she actually said.

Relationships are clearly more complicated than finding someone you enjoy spending time with. Everything from a person’s family to a person’s dating history play a role in determining the outcome of future relationships, and with so many years of amassing ‘factors’, things can get complicated very quickly.

I think the most important thing to keep in mind when dealing with people who have ‘interesting’ histories, is how you feel when you’re with them. If you’re constantly thinking about his/her past, it obviously won’t turn out well for you even if they were to tell you that you’re “the one”. You’ll always have doubts, and rightfully so. I have never known anyone who had loose morals suddenly transform into a monogamous partner. I have, however, known people to stick to morals because they believe it is the ‘right thing to do’. I, personally, think that reason is insufficient. Let me tell you why.

Let’s say the moral is being faithful. That’s probably the most common moral discrepancy attributed to break-ups, and so an easy one to analyze.

Let’s say your significant other was in a situation where they might have cheated on you, but didn’t. This is good. Let’s say when they explained it to you, their reason for not cheating on you was “it would have been morally wrong.” This is still good. Let’s say you’re a nitpicker and asked why they felt this way. “Because society says one should not engage in relations outside of one’s own romantic relationship.” Hardly a pleasing answer. You’d want them to say “Because I wouldn’t want to hurt you” or “Because I wasn’t interested in them” or “Because you’re the most amazing person in the world, I’ll never find anyone better!” or some such sappy response. 😉

Society has morals for a reason. But it’s important to not adopt these as our own simply because society has set them. After all, at one time, it was morally acceptable for a husband to beat his wife under certain circumstances. And let’s not forget society’s views on slavery not even a full century ago. Society has been known to make poor decisions. (Incidentally, so do sheep.)

Make your own decisions. If you want to act a certain way, and you believe it’s morally acceptable, go for it. If those around you think you’re being immoral, find out why. The key is not to be so set in any one opinion that you are not open to new ideas, but to be flexible and take into consideration opposing views. If you still reject them, that will help you clarify your own thoughts so you can eventually be comfortable with yourself and how you act.

What I don’t understand is when smart people are inconsistent. Maybe they haven’t yet figured out how to be at one with themselves and be comfortable with their actions. Maybe they haven’t given thought to the moral repercussions of their inconsistencies.

The problem, as I see it, is not the person has poor morals and sticks to them. They have the potential to realize others may be affected, and to adjust their morals accordingly. They have the potential to mature, morally.

The problem is the person who proclaims a moral, either because society deems it so or because they have thought it out, and then breaks it. Once, twice, or repeatedly — it doesn’t matter. The idea that morality in a person can be swayed is highly disturbing to me. I would much rather the person admit to holding a somewhat ‘lesser’ moral stance as society might see it, than have them break consistency within themselves!

….. because breaking consistency within yourself breeds regret. And if you know me, you know I hate very little in life — but I hate regret. Regret means you’re embarrassed of yourself. Regret, to me, means more than making a mistake; it means falling beneath yourself, disgracing yourself with your actions or inactions. That’s why I consider it so important to live for the moment, as cheesy and cliché as it might be. At least if you try, you won’t hate yourself for not taking the chance. Anyway, I digress.

I think the worst thing in relationships is not rejection, but retrogression due to regret. There’s nothing that will humble you more than having the person you love insinuate you’re simply not good enough. This is my scar, and the deepest I’ve ever been cut to be honest. It doesn’t mean life sucks, or that I’m going to lose hope. I’m grateful to know my previous jaded attitude toward relationships was unfounded, and that my expectations for someone who met all my needs and hopes weren’t that unrealistic. And I’m grateful for the friend soul-mate I know he is. I just hope the next one who meets those hopes of mine will love me back.

That’s my story folks, and why I posted Theresa’s note.  Happy Valentine’s Day, to lovers and singles and strugglers alike!

A Spicy Topic

I don’t like black pepper.  To be completely honest, I cannot fathom why or how it became as popular on North American tables as salt.  In my opinion, salt has far more to offer!  That said, I don’t mind changing things up with pepper on macaroni and cheese, but that is about my only exception.

The worst: after finishing dinner and having a lovely vague aftertaste reminiscent of your meal, you discover a piece of black pepper in your mouth that instantly eliminates all other tastes and leaves your tongue burning with its unhappy flavour.

I feel like I’m the only one who refuses a waiter/waitress when they offer freshly-ground pepper.  (I don’t even like when it’s not-recently-ground and lost half its flavour…..)  Alas, I’m under the impression I’m one of few anti-pepper patrons.  Perhaps I am not alone?