December Begins…..

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I’m feeling stir-crazy again.  Lights are flashing in my brain telling me to go-go-go, anywhere, everywhere.  Run away.  Normally a very instinctive person, these phases bother me greatly, because I need to deny myself their resolution.  I feel opportunities are escaping me, the longer I stay unhappy.  And I am unhappy, I know this, but am not accepting it.  There are many things in my life I’m happy about, but my purpose has been lost, and so I know I am fundamentally unsatisfied.  Things I want changed:

Time.  I differ from most people, in that I don’t want more time to do work, and I don’t want more time at all.  I just want to enjoy my time, and doling out my ‘free time’ in set (and easily-diminished) amounts feels like rationing a commodity that should not be owned by others in the first place.  People say that’s just how life is, but I’m sorry, that is not the way I want to live.

Challenge.  In different parts of my life, I want to be challenged to go bigger, better, all the time.  This should be a situation where the rise is desired, earned, rewarded.  Instead, it currently feels like it’s misguided, mismanaged, and largely unsuccessful.  My talents are not being used, except as afterthoughts or for emergency fix-ups, and my skills are being ignored and replaced with guidelines wholly unsuitable to my strengths.  I am creative; I need flexibility to find my own ways of being efficient.  And I do become very efficient, but I need my time to analyze every step for its use, logic, consistency, and flow — otherwise, it is difficult for me to remember something that, to me, has no point.  Memory has not been something I have encouraged within myself, because I live in the present, and anything I need to know I should be able to figure out logically.  If it is not logical, there is something wrong — why would I do it?

Exercise.  How unfortunate my closest indoor tennis facilities are already booked for next year’s memberships.  I wish there were gyms where you could pay proportionally to what specific facilities you use….. for example, pay to have a membership to the pool, or to the running track, or the spinning room, etc.  Then again, I don’t think it’s cool gyms charge you a cancellation fee — there is something very unethical about that to me.  You use a service, you pay for the service; you don’t use a service, you should not have to pay to not use the service.  Simple as pie.

Goals.  I’m floating, and it’s bugging me.  I want to create ideas, or do research analysis and find the ideas.  I want to help people; I don’t want to bother people.  I know I need experience, but darn me if it isn’t frustrating my creative side.  It isn’t me, and it’s hard for me to ‘stick it out’ and do something when my time is so precious to me.  Time is precious because if I die tomorrow, I don’t want to think about regrets on my death bed.  I want to know I always lived my life by me, and that is not what I’m doing right now.

Philosophy.  My mind is numbed and needs outside-the-box thinking.  I need people to annoy me by being right and making me realize I’m wrong.  I need to think until I want to cry because there are so many levels to my thoughts.  I want to think like an enemy and humanize them in my mind.  That’s all any of us are, anyway.

Cooking.  I know, pretty simple, but it’d be nice to get back into making myself dinners.

Spontaneity.  Apart from weekends, my spontaneous factor is pretty low, which means I’m bordering on boring.  That can’t happen!!

I don’t mean to be flippant, but sometimes I wish I could have a nervous breakdown.  It would be a lot easier to explain why I need to change so many things to be happy.  Truth is, my life is great on paper; but behind every story, there’s a writer who’s seen all the boring stuff, and whittled it down to only the interesting bits.  Even then, what’s interesting for some (even most), is not necessarily interesting for me.

Now I’m tired.  Goodnight readers.

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One thought on “December Begins…..

  1. lauramrmak December 6, 2009 / 8:08 pm

    You know what the strangest thing is; I don’t remember writing all of this, especially near the end. It must’ve been some innate need to express myself late at night.

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