is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in the wind. ♪
An Old Beginning to a New Year (a harsh self evaluation)
Where I am this year is not that different from where I was last year, and as I mark the passing of twelve months, I see it clearly. Somehow, I enabled myself to lose control, and I wonder if that isn’t part of trying to find the excitement I so crave in life. Let the reigns go, and see where I end up. I don’t mind it for the most part; I enjoy the journey, and I’m not even sure the destination is all it’s made out to be anyway. Sometimes, yes, it can be frustrating, and sometimes I get angry at my own stupidity. But many times, I just focus on the pros, when really the cons are quite significant. Not to say these people aren’t priceless to me in their own ways, but I’m able to recognize that there are things that, were I not already infatuated with them, I would consider absolute dealbreakers. Simple things like having an almost exclusive fetish for a certain kind of woman, or doing drugs (even if just “socially”), or not having any desire to keep in good physical shape, for example, that, had I found out about before my infatuations began, would have made it easy for me to simply lose interest. Alas, not all information that is important to me is important to other people, so I rollercoaster it up and down until I get seasick and, in the end, have to take a break from trying to have successful emotional romantic connections. So, usually, I either revert back to my tomboy days, or I take a fun stab at superficiality. Either way, no one gets hurt!
A New Take on an Old View
“Do what you like; like what you do.”
By the end of this year, I will hopefully be employed in my new field. This simply AMAZES me. It still feels like a far-off whimsical notion, like marriage, or having children, or unicorns. Me? Hired? Not that I don’t think I’d be an awesome worker, I just find it hard to believe I’ve (hopefully?) finally found a field where I might be happy working….. you know, that isn’t “rock star” or “tennis star” or “famous poet” (ha, oxymoron!). I’m so curious, I hope the job gives me the opportunity to use that, that and my creativity. I’m also crossing my fingers on the flexibility part….. I hate working in places that are ridiculously strict about start/end times. I’m the kind of person who would gladly stay after work twice as long, if it meant they didn’t mind if I was late arriving in the morning. Well, we’ll see what happens, right?
Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes (Jimmy Buffett)
Down here in Florida, everywhere you go, you’ll hear Jimmy Buffett. In the stores, on dolphin watch cruises, in restaurants. I love it. Like, I’ve mentioned before, I’m a huge fan (a.k.a. “Parrothead”). His descriptions in both his lyrics and his books ignite the nomad in me, and make me anxious to get out and see all the beauty the world has to offer. The beauty that lies beyond the travel catalogues, the kind that you would experience only due to a developed friendship with locals who enlighten you about these hidden treasures. Pink dolphins? Why not. Shipwrecks? Bring ’em on. I empathize with Jimmy’s lyric: “Yes, I am a pirate, two hundred years too late.” I’m a “pirette”.
Just Once, The Other Way Around
Circling back around to the beginning (as is customary for one who obsesses), I have to ask myself if I’ve been asking the right questions. Questions like, “Is it wrong to want someone to treat me/care about me/think about me the same way as I do for them?” It’s possible they’re pointless. In fact, it’s more than likely that they are pointless. I should instead not be asking anything, but saying things like, “This is the way they are treating me/feeling about me/thinking about me. This is the way I should be too.” Although I hate the word “should”, I think I could take a lesson from the people in my life, and observe before I feel….. I’m not entirely sure it’s possible, to be honest (how do you stop feeling life?), but I think it’s probably worth a shot, since I seem to have an overabundance of emotions that tend to intimidate/overwhelm most people. Frankly, it’s just due to my super-passionate and obsessive nature. I’m passionate, so I have strong feelings very easily, and I’m obsessive, so my thoughts are dedicated to those very few topics and therefore develop those feelings quickly. I’ve developed a countermeasure though that helps me; as soon as I don’t see a future in something, I lose interest almost immediately (so long as I’m not given mixed signals — that tends to mess with my head a bit). That also helps when there’s ever any heartache, because it doesn’t usually last for very long. It might seem fickle, but it’s simply a defense mechanism borne of necessity. I guess I want to emphasize that I wouldn’t be that way if I weren’t put into situations where I must. And really, I don’t like being that way. So someday, I hope the cycle will stop. I just need to find someone who can both gratefully absorb all the attention I want to give AND want to give me the same kind of attention back. I believe it will be a rare thing to find such a matched personality. And at some point, I’ll start looking for that again. But not right now, because I’m tired of trying. Yes, for now, I give up. I suppose that might not be the best thing to say on the first day of a new year, but I don’t like New Year’s anyway, haha. My new year starts in the Spring, when everything has a new chance at life, including me. It just makes more sense. The passage from December to January where nothing changes except a man-made calendar means nothing to me. The New Year’s Resolution is something people set ambitiously as if it were a wish, not a resolution. Mine is the same from year to year: have an alive, healthy, happy, and fun year. I’ll never forget it, because it’s what I’m always striving for. No, the real New Year for me starts with the new life of the year in springtime. This year, it will be extra special for me, because I’ll be going somewhere entirely new again. (see: Chocolat →) The strong North wind will blow again! The answer, my friend…..